You’re Not Losing Yourself. You’re Becoming Someone New: A Mom’s Guide to Matrescence

If you’re new here, I’m Alisa- a pediatric nurse practitioner and a mom of two, and I write about the things I wish someone had told me before I lived them.

Somewhere between the hospital bag and the six-week checkup, a lot of new moms quietly start wondering: who is this person I’ve become?

You’re not imagining it. There’s actually a name for what you’re going through - it’s called matrescence, and it’s the developmental process of becoming a mother. Just like adolescence reshapes a child into an adult, matrescence reshapes you...hormonally, physically, emotionally, and socially into a mother. And like adolescence, it’s not always graceful. It can feel disorienting, emotional, and at times like you’re grieving a version of yourself you can’t quite locate anymore.

If you’re in it right now, here’s what I want you to know: this is normal, it’s not permanent in the way it feels right now, and you are not alone in it.

It Doesn’t Look the Same for Everyone

Matrescence isn’t a checklist or a timeline. For some moms it shows up as a quiet identity shift, a sense of “I don’t recognize myself in the mirror.” For others it’s sharper: grief for old freedoms, frustration at a body that feels unfamiliar, or a sense of being touched-out and stretched thin. Some moms feel it intensely in the newborn phase; others notice it creeping in months later, once the adrenaline wears off.

And dads go through their own version of this, called patrescence. It doesn’t come with the same hormonal upheaval or physical recovery, but it’s real. New dads are also renegotiating identity, sleep, work, and what it means to show up for this tiny person who now depends on them. If your partner seems off, withdrawn, or like he’s fumbling too - that’s not a lack of effort. That’s him going through his own transition, and he needs patience and grace just like you do.

The Feelings Nobody Warns You About

Here’s a short, honest list of things that are common in this season, even though no one puts them on a baby registry card:

•  Missing your old life, even while loving your baby fiercely
•  Feeling like you’re just surviving the newborn phase, not enjoying it
•  Having no idea what you’re doing, hour to hour
•  Scrolling and wondering why every other mom looks like she has it together
•  Feeling lost, flattened, or like this is harder than anyone said
•  Not recognizing your body, your moods, or your reflection
•  Crying for no clear reason, or feeling everything at once

None of this means you’re failing. It means you’re human, and you’re in the middle of one of the biggest identity shifts a person can go through... all while running on broken sleep and healing hormones.

When It’s More Than the Adjustment

The baby blues are common in the first couple of weeks after birth and usually fade on their own. But sometimes what starts as the blues settles in and doesn’t lift, and that’s worth paying attention to. Perinatal mood and anxiety disorders are more common than most people realize, affecting roughly 1 in 5 women and 1 in 10 men during the perinatal period, and they are treatable. You don’t need a formal diagnosis to reach out for help. If something feels off, that’s reason enough.

Some signs worth paying attention to, especially if they last more than two weeks or interfere with daily life:

•  Persistent sadness, hopelessness, or crying that doesn’t ease up
•  Anxiety or worry that feels constant, racing, or hard to shut off
•  Trouble sleeping even when the baby is sleeping, or sleeping far more than usual
•  Loss of interest in things you normally enjoy, or feeling disconnected from your baby
•  Intrusive, unwanted thoughts that scare you
•  Difficulty completing basic daily tasks or caring for yourself or your baby
•  Thoughts of harming yourself or your baby

More severe symptoms can include extreme confusion, disorientation, or a loss of touch with reality - this requires urgent care. If you notice any of these warning signs in yourself or someone you love, please reach out to your provider right away. If you’re ever in crisis, you can call or text 988 for the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline, or call the Postpartum Support International HelpLine at 1-800-944-4773. Getting support isn’t a sign that you’ve failed. It’s a sign that you’re taking care of yourself the same way you’re taking care of your baby, and your baby needs you well.

You’re Allowed to Take This Seriously

Matrescence isn’t something to push through silently or “just get over.” It deserves the same attention, preparation, and support you’d give to any major life transition - because that’s exactly what it is.

If you’re pregnant or newly postpartum and want real preparation for this season - not just for the baby, but for you - that’s exactly what I built the New Parent Prep Class for. We talk about the identity shift, the partner dynamics, the postpartum body, and what to actually watch for - so you walk into this season with eyes open instead of blindsided.

You are allowed to grieve your old life and love your new one at the same time. You are allowed to feel lost for a while. And you are not, for one single minute, doing this alone.

References

Cleveland Clinic. (2025). Postpartum anxiety: Symptoms, diagnosis & treatment. https://my.clevelandclinic.org/health/diseases/22693-postpartum-anxiety

Postpartum Depression Resource Network. (2025). Postpartum depression signs: Serious warning signs of PPD to look for. https://www.postpartumdepression.org/postpartum-depression/signs/

Postpartum Support International. (2024). About perinatal mental health. https://postpartum.net/perinatal-mental-health/

Sacks, A. (2019, April 8). Matrescence: The developmental transition to motherhood. Psychology Today. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/motherhood-unfiltered/201904/matrescence-the-developmental-transition-to-motherhood

U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, Office on Women’s Health. (n.d.). Postpartum depression. https://www.womenshealth.gov/mental-health/mental-health-conditions/postpartum-depression 

To continue reading other posts on postpartum: 

You Won’t Just Know When Something Is Wrong Postpartum

You Prepared for Birth. But Did You Prepare for After?

From Pregnant to Mother: A Wholehearted Transition 

The Conversation You're Not Having (But Should Be Before Baby Arrives)